What to do When the Church Fails You

I had to write this post twice. The first time, I realized that it was just largely me venting about my own church hurt. That doesn’t help anyone, and it doesn’t really honor God. This blog is supposed to be edifying and encouraging, not just a space where I air out my dirty laundry. I’ll try to get it right this time.

I wanted to address the questions that are plaguing so many of us as we try to navigate the struggles of Church Hurt and life after leaving a toxic church. What happens when you’ve been lied to by the very people who were supposed to instruct you? Or what about when you’re mistreated by the very people who were supposed to be your safe space? How do we move on and recover from that? It’s only worse when it happens in the church of all places. God says that it would be better if a millstone was hung around your neck and you were cast into the ocean than it would be for you to lead someone into sin (Mark 9:42, Matthew 18:6). And yet here we are, trying to pick up the pieces after the instructors of our faith have failed us. What are we supposed to do? The short answer is to focus on our recovery and healing our hurts. The Bible also says “God will bring into judgment the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time to judge every deed” (Ecclesiastes 3:17). Who will bring into judgment? God. Not us. The best thing we can do for the Kingdom right now is to get ourselves right. We can’t be helpful to anyone if we’re speaking from a place of hurt and anger, instead of love and forgiveness.

One of the key things we need to remember is that God is in control. It is not God’s fault for the damage your old church is doing. If you don’t hear it from anyone else, hear it from me; I am so sorry for the ways flawed humans misrepresented our perfect God. Unfortunately, we can’t entirely get away from that. There will always be flawed humans. I am a flawed human. I will likely misrepresent God a billion times before I go to Heaven–and I am so, so sorry that I will fail you and fail Him. 

But my failures are not God’s fault. God continues to love you perfectly. He continues to orchestrate the world perfectly. He continues to teach perfectly, whether we get it right or not. In your anger at the church, do not take your hurt out on God. Take your hurt to God. You can trust Him. He’s got big shoulders, he can handle all of the big emotions you have. One of the downsides of allowing humanity to have the freedom of choice is that we’re messy. We don’t always make the best choices. Anyone with kids can attest to this! Sometimes we do take our anger out on our undeserving God. But that’s okay. God, who is the perfect father, will love you through it.

When Job loses everything in his book, he doesn’t rejoice, but he doesn’t curse God either. He curses himself plenty, and He wails and laments and he mourns. We’re allowed to feel whatever it is we’re feeling. It is not sinful to experience the broad spectrum of human emotion. We just need to remember that God is there to help us through it. He cares for the broken-hearted and lowly in spirit (Psalm 34). You won’t need to summon God to your side, dear Christian. He’s already holding you close.

Don’t give up on The Church either. I capitalize The Church because I’m referring to the body of Christ. A building and A leader may have done you dirty, but that does not mean that the entire body of Christ is garbage. Don’t be lazy about your faith by giving up on church. You might make excuses about not being able to trust anyone, but the harsh reality is that you probably just don’t want to put in the work. Knowing the truth of the Bible protects you from being lied to by another church. As soon as you hear something contrary to scripture, your internal alarms will start going off and you can choose to either scrap that piece of preaching, or you can try out another church. Don’t be a lazy, passive-listening Christian.

While scripture does not command people to go to church, it does speak at length about the benefits and blessings of surrounding yourself in a holy community. Jesus says “the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 12:23-28). By rejecting The Church, we’re rejecting one of the many gifts that God has sent our way.  In Hebrews 10:24-25, it says “consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing” (emphasis mine). This is the very biblical way of saying “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” 

It’s so easy right now to focus on all the negativity of the world, especially as we gear up for another presidential election. There is so much drama, so much strife, so much evil and so many things that break our hearts. However, we can choose what speaks into our lives. We can choose to fill our days with things that speak death and destruction… or we can choose to fill our days with life. By having a strong church family and involving yourself in a church community, you can focus on the things that are life-giving, spirit-led, soul-encouraging, and biblical. Of course, things are going to look bleak if all you’re focusing on is the sin of the world. But there’s also a lot of good. Choosing to submerse yourself in an environment that is life-giving and edifying doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye to the strife, it just shifts your focus. Instead of staring at the devil, you’re staring at God. Church may not be mandatory to be a Christian, but it is scriptural. Don’t let your hurt turn you away from God’s blessing.