Panic
I couldn’t breathe. My heart was beating way too fast. My stomach hurt. A barrage of thoughts was spinning through my head. I’m dying. I can’t feel this awful and not be dying. It’s probably cancer. MS. A brain tumor. I’m going to suffer horrifically until I die the most painful and miserable death. My friends and family will be forced to watch the girl they love disappear under her illness. I’ll be like every horrible John Green-level tear-jerker. They’ll say things like “It’s such a shame she died so young.”
Just give it to God.
My chest felt tight. My head was spinning. The room felt like it was rocking back and forth like I was on a teeter-totter. If only I could just breathe! I’ll be a prisoner in my own body. I’ll be a burden on my family. I’ll ruin everyone’s hopes and dreams for the future. I’ll be the sad wisp of my former self huddled in a wheelchair peering out at the world as life goes on around me, longing to participate and not being able to. I’ll become an afterthought. The miserable wet blanket to everyone’s plans. “We’ll need to do something that Kaylin can participate in,” they’ll say. And the room will get quiet and somber.
Just give it to God.
The world felt 2D. I felt detached from my body, like I was merely playing a first-person video game, or like I was a little alien driving a human-shaped body car. My humor was flat. I couldn’t sleep. I was so exhausted. And I couldn’t stop talking about how bad I felt. People were getting annoyed with me. No one wants to hear about how miserable I am all the time. I’m already a burden. I can’t even get a proper diagnosis from my doctors and I’m already dragging everyone down. I’m not the person I should be. I can’t help others because I can’t even help myself. What’s the point is trying to go out with friends and family when I’ll probably just be panicking and hyperfocusing on how I feel the entire time.
Just give it to God.
Just give it to God.
Just give it to God.
Give it… to God.
What does that mean? It’s a phrase often thrown around by Christians when they’re trying to be helpful to someone who has a mental illness. Truthfully, it’s not a bad suggestion–just incredibly vague. What does giving it to God look like?
Today, I want to talk about mental health, and how we can involve God in our healing process. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. As a kid, it looked more like separation anxiety. I hated sleeping in my own room. The shadows were terrifying. The idea of dying in my sleep, a robber breaking in, or a tornado tearing the house apart was petrifying.
As I got older and learned more about the world, I became terrified of things like spider bites that could kill you, brain-eating amoebas in bodies of water, and nuclear warfare. When I got older still, my fears turned into health anxiety, and then hypochondria.
The brain is a powerful thing. Just through psychology, you can both will yourself to get better from certain illnesses, and you can will yourself to be sick. Ironically, I became the very thing I was afraid of because my brain and my nervous system gave me no peace. I feared being sick… and that fear made me sick. I feared missing out on life… and that fear held me back from all the things I could have been enjoying. I was my own worst nightmare.
The first time I was able to get myself back to a semblance of normal, I did it by suppression. I shoved fearful thoughts to the back of my mind. I gaslighted myself. I told myself that it was all in my head, that my body was just malfunctioning, that I needed to stop being stupid and stop being afraid of everything.
I focused on distraction. I was always watching something on my phone, scrolling social media, or playing games. It’s a miracle I graduated with my bachelor’s degree at all. I barely studied, because if it wasn’t interesting enough to hold my attention, the anxiety and intrusive thoughts crept back in.
But hey, at least I wasn’t panicking, right?
It worked for a time. I was able to go a few years without the panic rearing its ugly head. Slowly, as my nervous system settled and my brain processed the trauma I’d put myself through, I was able to go back to life as a reasonably stable human being.
Then COVID-19 hit.
I contracted neurological COVID just four months after I was married. The spike proteins attacked my nervous system instead of my respiratory system. Many of my symptoms resembled that of MS–one of my greatest fears. Combined with the very real impairment of my brain and nervous system, those fears came roaring back to the surface, and I could feel myself drowning in them again.
If you’ve ever had anxiety or a panic attack before, you know how all-consuming those intrusive thoughts can be. If we look at the psychology behind those thoughts, we can equate it to being held at gunpoint. That’s how real it feels, and how impossible it feels to divert our attention away from them. If we gaslight ourselves like I had done before, we’re literally trying to tell our brain that the gun pointed at our head isn’t to be feared. No sane person would accept that, and yet we expect our own brains to out of sheer willpower.
I battled Long COVID for two and a half years. As the systemic inflammation receded, my personality slowly began to come back, but I noticed that the fear was still very much alive and with me.
It all came to a head when I suffered from a severe bout of insomnia in the summer of 2023. The longest I went without any sleep was an entire week. Once again, I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was going crazy. I was so miserable and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it.
At this point, you might be wondering why I didn’t medicate more. I generally do not respond well to most medicines. The ones I can tolerate have varying degrees of success. I also knew that the side effects of taking anti-anxiety medications and sleep aids were oftentimes worse than the original issue they were created to fix. So I focused on trying to do things as naturally and non-intrusively as possible. Ninety percent of the pills I take are supplements. Everything I take is over-the-counter. I didn’t expect any of them to cure me, I just expected them to make life endurable.
This leads me to the crux of my Testimony. Sometimes God doesn’t miraculously heal you because you will actually benefit more from your suffering. How does that make sense? You might scoff. Well, think about your kids… or even your fur babies. There are things that we allow our charges to endure so that they will learn from the experience. The disciplined child learns much.
Oxford Languages defines Discipline as “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior.” Think of this less as a punishment and more as training. If I had not endured what I had, I wouldn’t be able to help anyone else. I wouldn’t be as empathetic–I probably wouldn’t even care. The athlete disciplines himself so that he can be the best at his sport. God disciplines us so we can be the best at life everlasting.
Control Freak
What I learned from my hardship was that it all boils down to control. I was terrified of what I could not control. The less control I had, the more I panicked. Even if you aren’t afraid of health issues like I am, control is the primary issue an anxiety sufferer has.
“I can’t control the choices my kids make, so I have to sit and watch them deal with the consequences.”
“I can’t control the choices my friends are making, so I have to sit and watch them ruin their lives.”
“I can’t control how my boss behaves, so I have to sit and watch him run the company into the ground.”
“I can’t control the economy, so I have to sit and hope that we have enough money.”
“I can’t control the government, so I have to sit and watch rich men fight like fools.”
“I can’t control society, so I have to just sit and watch the world burn.”
People hate sitting when it comes to their fears. For as lazy as the human race is, we absolutely cannot handle sitting when our fears are on the line. Surely there’s something we can do. Maybe if I just say the right words. Maybe if I just do the right things. Maybe if I work harder. Maybe if I am even more impassioned at the rallies and protests I attend. Maybe if I spend the next half hour cyberbullying random people on social media. Maybe if I throw enough Bibles at people. Maybe if I leave enough “you’re going to hell” comments on TikTok. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Did you know the bible says “Do not be afraid” three-hundred-and-sixty-five times? That’s one for each day of the year. Why do you think that is? If God is the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present being that he is, do you really think he’d use irrelevant phrases just to pacify us?
While standing on the banks of the Red Sea, Moses, and the Israelites could see the Egyptians pursuing them out of Egypt to wipe the Israelites off the planet. The Israelis were panicking. They had stolen weapons they had never used in combat before. Most of their numbers were women and children. None of them were soldiers. What chance did they have against Pharaoh and his army?
“Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14).
I love that last sentence. Moses’ words were not a war cry. They weren’t a rally to defend. He literally told them to do nothing. Don’t be afraid, and do nothing. God’s got this. How amazing is that?
My pastor likes to talk about the significance… or rather, the insignificance of the human lifespan. He describes it this way; if you extend a line from one end of infinity into the other end of infinity, and then hang a paperclip on the line, the width of the paperclip on that line is the ratio of one human life compared to all of eternity. God is kind and merciful to us on Earth, but he is not focusing as hard on that paperclip as he is on the rest of eternity. The things we feel are significant and important, are utterly meaningless in comparison to what’s coming. Our futures in heaven are far more precious to Him than which job we’re going to work for a few years on Earth.
That makes the miracles and blessings we do have seem that much bigger, huh? We are a blip in time. A tiny speck in the universe. And God chose to bless us with family, friends, joy, a roof over our heads, plenty to eat, opportunities, the ability to choose. He might even grant you those silly prayers you pray every now and then, like for a more convenient parking spot.
C’mon, we all do it!
Come Before the Throne
Our worries and concerns are precious to God. The Bible says “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: That if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us” (1 John 5:14). “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:12-13). We are allowed and encouraged to go to God with anything. He loves that we want to involve Him in our blip of a life. We just need to keep in perspective what’s really important.
And what is really important? What is the will of God? 2 Peter 3:9 says, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (emphasis mine).
That’s it. That’s God’s will. God just wants His people to choose Him. Everything else is to the glory of God. In the grand scheme of eternity, does it matter what job we choose? Only if we’re placed somewhere to be a light and an example to a non-believer who might hear your testimony and choose life. Does it matter if your kid decides to go to art school instead of pre-med? Only if souls get saved no matter what, and God knows which direction your kid is going to be most successful in.
This is what really matters. This is why we need to “Give it to God.” What Giving it to God looks like is just a complete surrender to His will. It’s staring at the cancer diagnosis and saying “I don’t understand. I don’t know how things are going to be okay… but they will be.” It’s hearing the bad news, taking a deep breath, and reminding yourself that God is fighting for you, you need only be still. It’s being willing to pray “God, I don’t know which job to choose, but I trust that you’ll keep me from the ones that don’t serve you.” It’s being willing to say “I may not fall asleep tonight, or tomorrow night, or for another week… but God has a purpose for my pain, and I chose His will, not my own.”
Giving it to God is trust. It’s not a grand display at church. You don’t have to sob all over the altar unless you’re legitimately feeling moved. You don’t have to march through life with a smile on your face, immune to any and all setbacks and hardships. We’re meant to feel things. We’re meant to mourn. We’re even meant to fear because healthy fear keeps us safe. But God just wants us to trust Him through it all.
One of my favorite quotes is “Fear is imagining a future without God in it.” The alternative is believing that God isn’t who He says He is and that He won’t actually fight for us. When your thoughts are spiraling around the toilet bowl of doom, take a moment to ask yourself if you trust that God is sovereign and that God is good. If you answer yes to both of those questions, then take a deep breath, and trust that he’s got this.
God’s outcome may not be what we want at that moment. Our ego often gets in the way of God’s plan. We want a lot of foolish things. I do not trust what I want, and nor should you. If I married the first man I thought I was in love with, I’d be in a horrifyingly abusive relationship. God saved me from that fate, but he had to tell me “no” to do it.
Maybe the health diagnosis does end in death. There are so many things worse than death–especially if you are a Christian. If you don’t know Christ as your Lord and Savior, you should be very afraid of your future. You won’t have a future.
But the Christian? The Christian gets to live forever. We get Heaven. We get paradise. We get loved ones back. We get God. Paul says in Philippians 1:21, “For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose, I cannot tell. I am hard-pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Paul understood how much of a win Heaven is. He also understood that God has a purpose for us as long as we have breath in our lungs.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). We can trust that God has our best interests at heart. We are safe to trust Him. There’s no one more trustworthy. Like Paul, I believe that I am here so that I can help others. I have suffered so that I can help those who suffer.
We are Weak but He is Strong
Romans 5:3-5 says, “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Do we dare shield our loved ones from the endurance, character, and hope that suffering brings? Or can we trust that God’s hand in their life will bring them the best outcome? God is omnipresent. He is everywhere, in every time, all at once. He can see what we cannot. Just because we cannot see the good that will come of a situation does not mean that it isn’t worth experiencing.
We can rest in the knowledge that God’s sovereignty is all we need. He gives us the strength to endure. We are never without him. “My Grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness” (1 Corinthians 12:9). We should rejoice for everything that casts us at the feet of Jesus.
Below, I will provide some resources for you who would like to get into the deeper specifics of psychology. I am not a psychologist, so I won’t try to address the practicing side of managing your fears. However, getting professional help can be one of the most helpful steps in your healing process.
The thing a lot of Christians forget, or may not even understand, is that your conscious brain can know and understand a lot of things, but we hold trauma in our subconscious. We have developed harmful thought patterns over the years that are as hard to break as an addiction. We get into a rut, and we’re rarely given the tools to get out. I will never say that God can’t and won’t work miracles, because He does every day! But I believe part of God’s miracles is giving us the knowledge of how to help ourselves. Psychologists are resources on how to untangle our troublesome twisty pretzel brains. God gave us those resources. To say we don’t need psychology to help us heal our thoughts is like saying we don’t need doctors to help us heal our bodies. They’re both tools in the toolbox God blessed us with.
So, here are some resources I’ve found that I love and have been helpful for me. (Some might be making a reappearance from last week’s post!)
This one is a repeat from last week. One of my absolute favorite podcasts is hosted by a woman named Dr. Alison Cook called The Best of You. I jokingly tell people that it’s basically free Christian-based Therapy (though shouldn’t be used as a sole replacement for real therapy). She deals with pretty much everything you could possibly bring to a therapy session, outside of being situationally specific, and obviously, she can’t make diagnoses through a podcast. Listening to her podcast has seriously made some of the largest progress in my mental health. I’m extremely grateful for this free resource she’s provided. She also has produced several books you can purchase; The Best of You focuses on healing painful patterns, cultivating boundaries, developing selfhood, and creating authentic two-way relationships. I Shouldn’t Feel This Way focuses on taming false guilt, trading mental chaos for clarity, encouraging you to stop numbing emotions, and helping you to make decisions that break cycles of defeat. Boundaries for Your Soul focuses on helping you to turn shame into joy, your anger into advocacy, and your inner critic into your biggest champion. (Fun bonus, Boundaries for Your Soul uses the evidence-based model from Pixar’s Inside Out!)
I Am Not In Charge by Ness Cannon is probably one of the biggest resources I have encountered to help win my battle against my control issues. Ness sadly suffers from MS. As MS is one of my greatest fears, I ALMOST did not read this book. I am immensely grateful that I did, though. Ness literally shows you how to surrender to God’s control when life gives you unimaginably miserable circumstances. She is real, honest, brave, and sincere. I cannot recommend this book enough for anyone who is struggling with anxiety-especially health anxiety.
Louie Giglio has done several books about anxiety, and they’re all great. The other three are more like pocket-versions of Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table. The first is called Putting an X Through Anxiety, the second is Winning the War on Worry, and the third is Goliath Must Fall. There’s even a version of Goliath Must Fall for Kids. Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table focuses on seeing fear and anxiety through a Biblical lens by deep diving into scripture.
If you’re a Dave Ramsey fan, you’ll recognize Dr. John Delony from the Ramsey Show. In Redefining Anxiety, Dr. Delony takes you through how anxiety doesn’t define you, before teaching you how to regulate your nervous system, validate your emotions and the damaged parts of you, and rewire your brain to get back to healthier thought patterns. He has also released a few other books I haven’t had the opportunity to read yet.
Workbook for Building a Non-Anxious Life
You can also check him out on the John Delony Show. (Also available on most podcast services)
Killing Comparison by Nona Jones is perfect for those of us with insecurity issues and social anxiety. Nona walks you through the steps to self-acceptance, reveals the truth about toxic thought patterns and comparisons, and reminds us of our born worth in Jesus Christ.
Prayer is powerful, and God still performs miracles. Faith Still Moves Mountains by Harris Faulkner can be comforting and reassuring to anyone who might be going through a really hard time-especially with their health.
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young is a sweet daily devotional that gives us reassurance through scripture and helps us to find peace in His presence. This is a really nice book if you only have time or interest to sit down for a few minutes to read. The daily entries are only a paragraph or two of wisdom and encouragement.
You can find Sleep Stories on YouTube for free! My dad really likes listening to The Lord of the Rings series. You can find full books of many different novels. One of the most relaxing books I’ve ever read is The Secret Garden, and I have found sleep stories of it as well. They’re a wonderful way to relax, unwind, focus your mind on something else, and help you get much-needed sleep to rest your nervous system. Sleep stories are awesome, and they can be a lot of fun too!
Fidgets! Fidgets are a fantastic way to release microenergies and to give us sensory input to help us stay centered. Fidgets are great for focus and create a soothing sensation-whether it’s a repetition of motion or a calming texture. Here are a few of my favorite fidgets linked below.
Last but not least is Aromatherapy. I know what you might be thinking; that I’m an essential oil quack trying to slather you in Thieves. But I actually am not. I have cats, who are sensitive to Essential Oils and can even die from exposure to them. I have to be really careful when I use them (and so should you if you’re a pet owner!) That being said, I have a diffuser necklace that I really like on days when things feel exceptionally stressful. I will usually use either a stress mixture, or combine lavender and eucalyptus. You can also get bracelets and humidifiers if you’re not a necklace person. Just be really careful with the humidifier if you have pets! Airborn essential oils are one of the more deadly exposures for fur babies-only to be outdone by ingestion. Just make sure you use your humidifier in a well-ventilated room away from your pets, and that your pets can get away and get fresh air if they need to.
I hope you find these resources to be as helpful to you as they have been to me. If you choose to read any of them, I’d love to chat about it with you sometime! There’s some truly great stuff in these books.
I pray that you find peace and relief from your own toxic thoughts. We, as Christians, just need to remember that with God as our Good Father, our Savior, and our Lord, we can trust that with Him, we can withstand anything. And remember God will fight for us, we need only be still.